I’ve always been a firm believer in easy. Not that the way that would make parents and teachers feel like I have no ambition, but that some things shouldn’t be difficult. Success isn’t necessarily easy. Wearing down a publisher won't be easy. The actual process by which I will succeed won't be easy. But the writing was always easy. Writing always came naturally to me. In the rawest form of the bigger concept, the root was easy.
But when it came to relationships, to falling in love, I always believed the entirety should be easy. I feel like they shouldn’t be complicated. If you ever decided to fall in love, it should make sense. I never was a game player. I have no patience for playing hard to get or any of the other infuriating ways that we piss each other off. I believed that when you like someone, you let them know. And if they liked you back, you dated. Simple.
I don’t think that they should be byzantine. If you love each other, things shouldn’t be knotty. You shouldn’t make each other have to worry. You should be comfortable and secure with the other person. You don’t have to worry about what they’re thinking or read too much into their actions. You don’t have to worry if they’re attracted to you. Your communication is constant, but not taxing. Not that problems don’t happen, but you are calm enough to discuss them. You know and accept the other person so that when trouble happens, you get through it together. Simple, like Caprese salad.
I always rolled my eyes at couples that had too many problems. The evenings when my friends would fret over cold drinks about this or that, ensuring that they were going to need Botox before they hit 25, I never told them that the best relationships that I’ve seen aren’t complicated. And I don’t think they should be.
Despite my admiration for Shakespeare, we can choose to disagree about this. I think that the course of true love should always run smoothly.
So why is it that while my brain knows this, I still find myself overthinking relationships? Is there always going to be one person in your life that you're going to break all your rules for?
I really enjoy being smart. That sounds conceited but it’s the truth. I’ll never be a great beauty or the fastest runner or be mistaken to have any kind of patience. However, I know I'm smart. And usually that’s enough for me.
But then there are those few times when my heart gets sick of being the less used organ and goes rogue. It’s out in the world without its only defense, the boss- the brain. The world is no place for a heart on its own. It makes uninformed decisions and then when it comes back, tail between its legs, your brain has to work overtime to forget all your heart saw when it was gone.
Is it ever possible that the right relationship isn’t always the easiest one? That it ever is the one with all the back and forth and mind changing and heart-wrenching hurt and forgiveness and ambivalence, holding in your emotions, an upheaval of emotions, not even knowing what your emotions are half the time? That you should have to deal with aspects of yourself that drive you crazy on any other person?
I’ve lived my life through what makes sense. I observe and draw conclusions, but don’t always live them. Sometimes that doesn’t matter, but in something like this, can you ever really know without experiencing it? Or is that just self-indulgent? Is that just an excuse to do what you want despite reason?
I so desperately want to be like Thoreau or Paul or Spock- smart intellectuals who don’t desire a relationship. And when my brain is in control, I'm almost there. Logically, I don’t think relationships make sense. But that doesn’t keep my heart from peeking out every once in a while, wondering, just maybe, if the boss had it wrong all along.